Let's get lost.

"We must take adventures in order to know where we truly belong."

2013 was one of the, if not the worst year of my life. I made many mistakes and I am taking steps to learn from them. The events from last year made me forget who I was, what my goals are, and what I want out of life. I spent too much time worrying. Worrying about how things would turn out, about what other people thought, about my own happiness. I realized at the time that I was making the wrong choices, but something was telling me I had to make them. My judgement was being clouded by feelings and emotions that I had never felt before. And I loved those feelings. I wanted them to stay forever, even though at the same time I had to put up with the bad feelings and forget myself in the process.

This past week I have been battling very dark emotions from my past...struggling against them, pushing them away. Yet they won't leave until I am forced to deal with them. I always distract myself with a book, a tv show, lighthearted conversation, SOMETHING so I won't have to face my demons. When I do have those quiet moments, I find myself longing for the feelings of comfort and false sense of security that the past year brought me. Although I know that it was never in my best interest, I want to go back. After having a talk with a good friend, I realized that going back would mean I was settling for a life that wasn't me. A life I never wanted, one that didn't fit for me.

I've always believed in living life to the fullest, having a never ending sense of curiosity, pursuing your dreams and never settling. Lately it seems that I forgot that. I am determined to make peace with the past and remember who I am. Everyone gets lost once in a while...it's all part of the adventure. Maybe we're meant to take a couple detours now and then. Besides if we never got lost, how would we find our way back again?

Live && let go

 I love the new year because I enjoy the idea of a fresh start. It's time to let go of past mistakes, have new goals, and start on a clean slate. Not that the past can and ever should be forgotten completely, but it shouldn't be dwelled on either. So here are my five resolutions that I came up with.

1. Workout, eat better, all that jazz
I make this one every year. Do I ever stick to it?! That would be a negative. But my list felt empty without it.

2. Get scuba certified
It's time!

3. Learn to play the guitar
As a child, I have always given up on hobbies. But this time I will not!

4. Travel
Seriously. Don't think too much, just pack up and go.

5. Live && let go
This should really be two different resolutions, but for the sake of trying to condense my list to five, I just combined them.

What are your New Years' resolutions?

This will be our year

New Years' Eve has never been a good holiday for me. I'm always reflecting on the year and wishing I had accomplished more. As I was thinking back on 2012, I felt like there had been more downs than ups and I got a little depressed. But then I think about how I spent five long, hard months completing an internship. The hours were long and the work was hard, but I didn't give up and now I am one step closer to achieving my dream. I think about how I made a lot of dear friends; some that are lifelong and I will cherish forever; others that only had a short part in my life. And I am thankful.

If anything, 2012 has taught me that I am a lot stronger than I think. It taught me to trust in myself and although I made a lot of mistakes, I don't regret any of them because they have made me stronger and wiser. I know that 2013 will have its fair share of ups and downs, but I am determined to make it wonderful.

Wishing you all a happy and fulfilling New Year!

Love is a song that we've sung

My last post got me thinking about qualities that I really admire in other people and things that I want to improve in myself. Especially with the new year coming up, I need to keep these in mind. It's never too late to make a change in your life.

Here's what I came up with in no particular order.

1. Generosity
I need to try to be more generous and think about others instead of getting so caught up in my own problems. Small acts of kindness mean so much more than we even realize. I try to make an effort to do something nice for strangers or someone I love every day, but it's easy to get caught up in my own sorrows or frustrations that I don't always stick to it.

2. Genuinity
There's nothing that I appreciate more than when someone is truly genuine. Sometimes I will hold back something I want to say for fear of sounding fake.

3.Open-mindedness
 I can't stand when people are so closed-minded that they won't even listen to what others have to say. I've definitely improved on this aspect of my life since high school and feel like I am very open-minded. Open mind, open heart.

4. Free-spiritedness
This is something I struggle with. I am generally a carefree person, but occasionallly I tend to overthink, over-analyze, and worry, worry, worry. Hmm...not that worrying runs in my family or anything (wink, wink), but I am constantly trying to simplify my life and just be the best I can be. Worrying does nothing to solve the problem anyway.

5. Dreamers
This kind of goes along the lines of free-spirits, but I admire anyone who stays true to their dreams and doesn't let voices tell them they can't. I used to be a dreamer and believed that anything was possible, but as we gain more experience, reality makes it that much harder to do. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with this one. Most days I am such a dreamer and keep my head in the clouds, but other days reality knocks me down and I find it almost impossible that I was able to think such things. I'm making more of an effort to keep to the former.

What are qualities you admire and what do you want to improve?

It happened upon a midnight clear

Now that it's already the middle of December (crazy, I know!) I've been trying to really enjoy the holidays and not just the stress of it all. I've always been an overly obnoxious holiday person, but since most of my life I've had finals, homework, assignments up until the week before Christmas, I found it hard to take in the beauty of the season and enjoy every minute of it. I think it's important to stay true to the real meaning of Christmas. So...I have been taking time to find meaningful gifts, putting up decorations, watching classic movies, baking cookies, and most importantly: spending time with the ones I love. Once you remember to slow it down, this time of the year is just that much more special.

What do you love about this time of year?

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

This song found me when I needed to hear it most. When life was getting me down and I felt like things just wouldn't get better, I had lost all hope. And hope was exactly what this song gave me. It recently popped up in my iTunes again and I felt that same comfort that it had given me the first time. This song reminds us that suffering is everywhere, but life is beautiful and even in the darkest depths of winter there is promise of a new beginning. The chorus still gives me chills and I believe are the most inspiring words I've ever heard. Amen Marcus, amen.

"And there will come a time, you'll see
With no more tears and love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see what you find there
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"

P.s. this isn't the official music video but isn't it wonderful?

I live for road trips

Seriously, there is just something about hitting the road with a map in hand and no particular destination that is so exciting. Sometimes when life is getting crazy, all you need is to pack up and leave home for a while (even if it's just a day trip) to really clear your head. I promise you will always come back refreshed and ready to take on the world again. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed, I feel that if I just crank up my ipod and drive, life really slows down and I can appreciate the world we live in. So have an adventure, explore new places, notice the beauty that is all around you, and just be.

"But why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see?" -Jack Kerouac

Today, I am excited...

Well, I admit I am excited most days, but today I am especially excited! Can you guess why?

Because my friends, I found this....

...and that means autumn is right around the river bend. And autumn is by far the most superior of all the seasons. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I am working 72 hours a week, including classes and both my jobs. Instead I'll try to focus on crisp, cozy nights by the campfire, autumn sweaters, magnificent colors, warm drinks, and layers, layers layers...

Yes, these are things that will keep me sane through the long hours and late nights.

 What's your favorite thing about autumn? I hope you all are having the loveliest September!

23.

Today marks my 23rd birthday. It has not been an easy year, that's for sure.

It has been full of heartbreak, failure, and feelings of hopelessness.

But along with the hopelessness and despair, there have also been moments of joy, laughter, and beautiful blue skies.
If this year has taught me anything, it's that even in the darkest hours, I am strong enough to overcome whatever life throws my way.

And the sun will come again.